Aging in Wonder

A few weeks ago, while clearing out some books, I discovered an old paperback copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936. Although it’s a little antiquated – it speaks only of business men, for instance – the principles still apply. One in particular seemed to sum up all the principles he had previously introduced: “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”

The other points in the chapter, titled “Six Ways to Make People Like You,” were

Be genuinely interested in other people.

Smile.

Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Talk in terms of the other man’s interest.

Five Ways to Make Others Feel Important

These are also ways you can make others feel important — and make them your friends.

1. “Be” – not just “act” – interested in other people. Want to know them, their interests, their likes and dislikes.
2. Make a personal connection by looking directly at people and smiling at them.
3. Within reason, say their names at every opportunity. (This also helps you remember names.)
4. Listen to their stories without wanting to tell your own, but with the aim of knowing them better.
5. After you’ve done that, you will be able to speak in terms of their interests: Asking about their grandchildren or their favorite football team.

Some people seem to do this naturally. When they talk to you, you feel as if no one else matters; for those moments, you are the most important person in the room. The rest of us, who have a tendency to relate whatever is happening in our own lives, may have to consciously develop this habit.

The rewards

It will help your interpersonal relationships. Genuine interest in another person develops trust.

It engenders friendship. It makes others feel better about themselves when they are around you. It makes them better people for knowing you.

As you interact with people, think about what would make them feel important. I predict you’ll experience an instant change of attitude. You’ll see that “difficult” person who always seems to be begging for attention in a different light. She doesn’t mean to be irritating; she only wants to feel important.

You’ll listen more intensely when others speak, even if it’s on a topic that’s not usually of interest to you.

You’ll be more attentive to members of your family. More than anyone else, they need to know they’re  important to you.

Thanks, Mr. Carnegie. Even after 74 years, your words still ring true.

Talk to me.

Do you know someone who is naturally one of those intense listeners, who seems to hang onto every word you say? Or tell me of your reaction when someone who sees you infrequently somehow always remembers your name.

Your email:

 

Attitudes, Books Dale Carnegie, Friendship, listening, relationships

Book reading is a solitary pastime. When I read, my mind leaves my surroundings and enters a world of mystery, travel, romance, exploration or enlightenment – wherever I want to go.

When I want to get away from it all, I take a book with me. Though I’m not one of them, I understand those commuting travelers who avoid conversations with other passengers by immersing themselves in written words so they don’t have to respond to those spoken.

A book requires no response; it’s not demanding, does not consider it rude if you close its pages in the middle of a sentence.

If it’s a good book, though, it can be akin to taking a vacation by yourself. You double your enjoyment when you share it with someone else.

Book Club Envy

I always envied those who had the luxury of participating in a book club. I’d see notices about book club meetings in newspapers or the library, but somehow the time was never right.

Thanks to a good friend, I finally got to be part of one four or five years ago in Mississippi. “The Book Bunch” gathered at the back of a local restaurant once a month and discussed books over breakfast. When we moved to this smaller town, I was thrilled to find a group who met at the local library to share their reading experiences.

Why?

Many avid readers don’t see the point. Why be forced to read a book of someone else’s choice? Why bother with a book club?

Because of…

Gossip! Though we might not admit it, we get to “gossip” about fictional characters without guilt. We can conjecture about motives. We can decide whether or not they would be our friend, or as my friend Keetha phrases it, “the character I’d most like to have a drink with.” We can be openly critical and even self righteous.

After all, these are fictional characters. Mansfield Park’s Fanny Price won’t be hurt if I express my frustration with her reticence; Atticus Finch will not feel threatened if I declare my admiration for him; the Eliots of Damerosehay won’t even notice that I’m stalking them in sequels.

Revelations. More satisfying than the gossip, though, is our sharing of ideas and personal philosophies. We leave our own worlds behind and briefly travel together into a world of thought and imagination. The meeting is a safe place where, in the process of summarizing the plot, judging the author’s writing style, sharing our discoveries or disagreeing about whether or not it was worth reading, we also reveal our own quirks and foibles, political and religious views.

Getting Out of a Rut. If I chose every book our club reads, three out of four would be novels written by English women, with a story based somewhere in the British Isles or some other foreign land. The book club has introduced me to books and characters I’m certain I would never have met by myself. (This doesn’t mean I would recommend them all.)

Friendship. Reading the same book provides a gathering place for our minds. When we discuss a book  – though we may have nothing else in common — we share an unspoken mutual appreciation, a special bond non-readers do not share.

It’s not always about the book, by the way. Sometimes one or more of us don’t even finish the book before the meeting, but we still show up. Don’t want to miss the gossip, even if it’s someone we don’t know!

Talk to me. Have you ever been a part of a book club? What was your experience? What would be your advice to someone wanting to start one?

Books Book Clubs, Books, Friendship, Gossip, Reading