“It’s too hot.” “It’s too cold.” “I’m too busy.” “I don’t have anything to do.”

And the complaints go on and on. Just name it, and we’ll complain about it: our health, money, our age (no matter what it is), the government, the weather, other people, our job, our children, our parents. You get the picture.

Complaining can be such a habit we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Sometimes it’s how we interact with a certain group of friends: we have gripe sessions. You gripe about your boss, and I tell you how I understand because my boss is the same way. Or my kids or my husband, my house or my neighbors.

If we heard a tape of these sessions, we would be appalled. Who knew we were so negative?

What does whining accomplish?

First of all, it increases your misery. It reminds you of all the ways you’re unhappy.

Second, it makes others miserable. If there’s nothing they can do for you, they feel impotent. If your complaint is a result of something they did or neglected to do, they feel guilty. If it’s something they can help you with, they feel manipulated. Why not just ask?

Third, it shows a lack of gratitude. In this country, many of the things we complain about are the results of our own choices. We chose to marry, to have kids, to work for a certain company, or to live in a certain place.

So why do we whine?

Here are some of my guesses. You might be able to come up with others.

1. It relieves us of responsibility. It’s a way to blame someone or something else for our discontent. And since they’re to blame, we have no choice but to be unhappy.
2. Everyone’s doing it. We don’t want to seem too content, when everyone else in the group is so busy being unhappy. It might make them feel even worse.
3. We want someone to validate our suffering. We don’t necessarily want them to fix it; we just want them to understand what we’re going through.
4. It’s a cover-up. We want someone to understand a serious issue we’re having without having to admit it. I complain about a co-worker, but my real fear is that I’m going to lose my job. I complain to my husband that he spends too much time at work. All I really want is one night out, but I want him to suggest it.
5. We want someone else to fix it. Instead of asking for help, we complain, hoping someone will offer. I gripe about the dirty dishes because I want someone to offer to wash them.
6. We need to vent. We relieve ourselves by spewing our ill feelings onto someone else, so they can suffer as we’re suffering.

And how do I stop it?

1. Realize it’s not your duty to whine. Even if that’s the pattern you and your friends have established when you get together, you don’t have to continue it.
2. If you need help or advice, ask for it. Instead of complaining, ask, “What do you think I should do about this?” In doing so, you’re accepting responsibility.
3. Know that “this too shall pass.” The sub-zero temperatures outside may go on for days, but you know next August you’ll be wishing for cooler weather. Be thankful for the transient nature of most discomfort.
4. Recognize that others know they’re imperfect. Others are struggling, as you are, with the imperfections and/or baggage they bring to your relationship.
5. Recognize that this world is not perfect. It will never be just the way you want it. Your complaining indicates a frustrated desire for control.
6. Don’t set yourself up to complain. If you habitually approach situations expecting to have something to complain about, you will. If you expect a day of pain, you won’t be disappointed. If you expect people at a party to ignore you, they will.
7. Bite your tongue – or less painful – press your lips together – tight! It gets easier with practice.

Can I stop others from whining?

No. But you can discourage it when you’re around.

1. Don’t respond with your own complaints. Then it becomes a contest.
2. Re-direct the subject. Turn a complaint about housework into a discussion of a new technique you read about that makes housework more efficient.
3. Listen. Let the complainer know you understand by repeating her complaint back to her in different words. Try to hear the issue behind the complaint.
4. Offer to help. If you can help alleviate the problem, good. If not, it will help the complainer realize it’s up to her to either take care of it or accept the situation. I was “explaining” to a friend about all the food I had to prepare for different functions this week. She kindly offered to prepare one of them for me. She wasn’t setting me up; she would have done it. But it shamed me into silence. This was my voluntary commitment, not hers.
5. Empower them. Ask, “Is there something you can do about it?” If the answer is “No,” express your sincere sympathy. If the answer is “Yes,” they’ll anticipate the next question: “Then why don’t you?”

When I speak of complaining here, I’m not talking about informing your doctor of  unexplained chronic pain or returning an underdone steak back to a restaurant kitchen.

I’m speaking of mindless, habitual pointless whining, which brings about no positive good. Like fear, resentment, and guilt, what I call Junk Food Attitudes, it’s an easy habit to adopt, not so easy to shed.

What do you think? Can you think of other reasons why we tend to complain? Occasions we should complain? Ways to differentiate between a legitimate complaint and a whine?