By Alexander McCall Smith. Fiction. c. 2005. Published by Anchor Books.

McCall Smith uses an unusual technique in this book – it was originally serialized fiction for a newspaper, so each chapter has to introduce a scene and finish it.

It was not nearly as enjoyable as the book series – The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency – that led me to pick up this work by the same author. He paints his characters just as well — they just weren’t as charming. He also paints a striking portrait of Edinburgh, Scotland, its landscape and levels of society.

What it lacked was follow-up, which can probably be attributed to the format. Characters entered the scenes and left, never to be seen again. He nicely wraps up the stories of Pat, her vain flat-mate Bruce and her clueless employer Matthew and their odd triangle, but I was not satisfied at the end with poor little Bernie’s conflict with his overbearing mother.

My rating? 6 out of 10. It was a good light read, and even compelling in some places, but I didn’t identify well with any of the characters. It’s possible, however, that 6 other people out of 10 would recognize either themselves or someone they know.

by Jeannette Walls. copyright 2005. Published by Scribner.

This is an amazing memoir, written with a lot of conversation and short chapter segments, which makes it very easy to read.

Jeannette and two of her siblings not only survive but thrive under their extremely neglectful parents – both eccentric, fanciful, highly intelligent and irresponsible.

The mother is self-centered, the father an alcoholic. The conditions they force upon their children are unbelievably harsh; they seem to have no conscience about the environment they provide for their children.

Though the mother inherits great wealth, she will have none of it. She prefers the adventures that poverty brings. The father occasionally has a tinge of conscience but is a slave to his drink.

What they do bestow on their children – especially on Jeannette – is a love of learning, intelligence, and a story no one else could tell.

My rating? 9 out of 10, which means I would recommend it to 9 out of 10 people. The 10th person might not appreciate nor see the value of the graphic details of children neglected. Writing style? Something to be imitated. You can tell Ms. Wall is a pro.

You may have experienced it.

It’s a typical busy day in the office. You’re fielding calls, answering e-mails, greeting people as they come into the office.

Then someone calls who is angry before you answer the phone. They are ready – expecting – a confrontation. They have reasons to be upset and are determined you’ll hear them all.

After forty years of experience in the business world — often as the front desk person – I’ve learned how to respond.

I’ve learned how to unruffle feathers. I’ve learned when it’s important to be firm and when to give in, when to insist on what’s right and when to turn the other cheek.

If you’re the target of a complaint – whether or not it’s justified – here are my suggestions for responses to avoid, and some you might want to try.

Don’t defend yourself. Or even worse, attack the complainer. A sentence that starts with “but I” or “but you” will only engender an argument about who’s right and who’s wrong.

Do acknowledge their distress. “I appreciate how hard this has been for you,” or “I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this.” It shows your empathy for their situation, no matter who’s to blame.

Don’t make excuses. If you messed up, even if the situation was beyond your control, people don’t want to hear excuses. Just say “You’re right.” It’s amazing how those words douse anger.

Do make a plan. After you admit fault, move on. Work out a way to resolve the situation. Ask, “What would you like me to do now?” or “This is what I can do for you.” If they’re just venting because they’ve had a bad day, this will expose the real problem.

Don’t speak for other people. As an employee answering for a co-worker or employer, this means you don’t tell someone that so-and-so will fix it. It makes you a liar when they don’t fulfill your promise. Don’t make excuses for other people, either. Maybe they did mean what they said!

Do all you can do. Sometimes all you can say is that you’ll let the decision maker know of the complaint. If it’s personal, the best thing you can do is to tell the complainer to speak directly with the third party.

Don’t rely on your memory. Do keep records. If it’s a matter of compensation, make sure you have written verification of all agreements and communication, and know where to find it.

Don’t ever be rude. I can’t think of one excuse for rudeness or name-calling. If you never do business with this company again, if you never see this person again, rudeness serves no good purpose. And it’s unprofessional.

Do take the high road. Thank the critic for the criticism, whether it’s just or not, whether or not you agree with it. “I appreciate your input” are good words here. It’s not that the critic is always right; it’s just not that important, if all that’s hurt is your pride. The important thing is getting the job done, doing it well and knowing you have acted professionally and gracefully.

An advantage of being an independent contractor is that you don’t have to accept every assignment that comes your way. If a client wants something for nothing, if they’re never satisfied, if they quash your creativity, if they demand work from you that goes against your principles, you have the freedom to fire them.

You don’t have to provide good customer service to those who are no longer customers. Other professionals will appreciate your integrity, your expertise and hard work.

It’s your turn: How do you appease an angry person? What about suggestions on how to handle chronic critics you can’t fire?

Most people talk excitedly about the New Year as a new beginning, a fresh new start. For some reason, I haven’t been able to get into it this year.

Maybe it’s because I’m always making promises I don’t keep, and it gets old after awhile. Why make year-long resolutions when I’m not fulfilling my week-long promises?

I heard one man say he hesitated to make resolutions for things he should already be doing. I tend to agree with him.

Others advise you not to make resolutions; set goals instead. I agree with them, too.

Setting Career Goals

Lori Widmer at Words on a Page has challenged her readers to not only set career goals but to share monthly assessments. It’s a good challenge, designed to help freelancers advance their careers. I wanted to accept the challenge, but I didn’t. My hesitancy came not only from the fear of aiming too high and then failing but of publicizing that failure.

I also realized that, at almost 62 years old, pursuing a career is not my aim. It never has been. Sure, I want to be recognized for any professional skills I have developed. And getting paid what I’m worth is a desirable way to measure such recognition.

For me, gainful employment is a means to an end – a way to make ends meet. When our children were at home, I wanted to be available to them as much as possible, so I never worked more than a part-time job outside the home. Now that I’m nearing the age at which my mother retired from full-time work, I don’t have the inclination for it.

The freelance business I have run for the last 20 years (plus a laptop and the internet!) helps give us the freedom and means to travel both stateside and overseas to visit family and longtime friends. An aggressive career plan would take away that freedom.

Best Impulses

Experience and observation have taught me that when you follow your best impulses, good things happen – financially and otherwise.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to approach the coming months not with specific resolutions or goals, but with a motto: “Act on your best impulses.”

By nature, I’m not impulsive. I want time to consider long term benefits or possible regrets. I don’t want to get caught up in something, unable to find my way out. Besides, people who act impulsively are more likely to make mistakes, right?

But you and I both know the difference between foolish and “best” impulses. By definition, impulses involve immediate action. Best impulses benefit others.

Mine usually involve encouraging someone with a phone call, note, or even a blog comment. I’ll think, “I ought to….” And there it stops.

I either procrastinate or talk myself out of it: What if she’s asleep? What if I say the wrong thing and do more harm than good? Will it make any difference?

Rewards

Last week, in keeping with this motto, I followed a best impulse. I called an acquaintance whose depression is closely related to chronic physical pain. I don’t know her well, am always afraid I’ll intrude, won’t know what to say. Amazingly, I seemed to call at the moment she wanted to talk. All I had to say was “I’m calling to see if you’re home from the hospital.” She carried the rest of the conversation.

That positive result validated my intent. So now when I get one of those “best impulses” – which usually come when I’m doing mindless work – I’ll put down the broom, the dishcloth or the laundry and write the thank you note. I’ll make the phone call that turns “someday” into Thursday at 11.

I may even get excited about entering this New Year. May it bring plenty of best impulses.

More to the point, may we all act on them.

Talk to me: What are your “best impulses”? What has been a reward of acting on them? What happens when you don’t act immediately?

Author: Elizabeth Goudge (1900-1984)

About the Books

This is a trilogy set in England spanning from after WWI to after WWII. The titles of the books, in order, are

The Bird in the Tree, published in 1940
The Herb of Grace (entitled Pilgrim’s Inn by American publishers), written in 1948
The Heart of the Family, written in 1953.

About the Author

A quick look at Wikipedia also reveals this about Elizabeth Goudge’s writings: Her favorite among her books was The Little White Horse (1946), which is also a favorite of J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter stories.

Another little tidbit that’s significant for me: She also wrote a book called Island Magic (1934), which is about the Channel Islands. It seems her mother was a native of Guernsey. Two of my favorite experiences have been watching The Island at War, a BBC series, and reading The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society. (Can you tell I’m a fan of British historical fiction?)

Not for Everyone

I would recommend The Eliot Family series to certain readers, but not all. They have what I think you’d call an esoteric appeal.

Because the place is as important as the characters, Goudge describes it in great detail. She does it well. Even if you don’t recognize the names of all the flora and fauna she describes, you still get a sense of the lush surroundings, the smallest leaf, every sparkle of the sun.

Since the books were written in the early 20th century, some may find the language old-fashioned, which to me is part of its appeal.

Goudge also develops the characters wonderfully. This is a quote from a friend who is still reading the second book in the series:

I’m really in love with the Eliot family, and will continue to read the books in the series.  I love how the author writes her books.

The Spiritual Dimension

My sister, who recommended the book to me, commented that in this series, Goudge makes you feel like everything’s going to be all right.

The two houses in the books, Damerosehay and the Herb of Grace, bring out the best in all who enter them, helping them shed both their sins and their struggles. The source of the spirit of the houses is Lucilla, the matriarch. The books richly emphasize a spirituality that comes from God and the value of children as our legacy. The last word of the last book is “child.”

Sunset or sunrise, he had forgotten now which it was. The old house seemed to hold them both, and to hold, too, a welling up of freshness, as though it renewed its youth in the youth of this marvellous child.

“It’s too hot.” “It’s too cold.” “I’m too busy.” “I don’t have anything to do.”

And the complaints go on and on. Just name it, and we’ll complain about it: our health, money, our age (no matter what it is), the government, the weather, other people, our job, our children, our parents. You get the picture.

Complaining can be such a habit we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Sometimes it’s how we interact with a certain group of friends: we have gripe sessions. You gripe about your boss, and I tell you how I understand because my boss is the same way. Or my kids or my husband, my house or my neighbors.

If we heard a tape of these sessions, we would be appalled. Who knew we were so negative?

What does whining accomplish?

First of all, it increases your misery. It reminds you of all the ways you’re unhappy.

Second, it makes others miserable. If there’s nothing they can do for you, they feel impotent. If your complaint is a result of something they did or neglected to do, they feel guilty. If it’s something they can help you with, they feel manipulated. Why not just ask?

Third, it shows a lack of gratitude. In this country, many of the things we complain about are the results of our own choices. We chose to marry, to have kids, to work for a certain company, or to live in a certain place.

So why do we whine?

Here are some of my guesses. You might be able to come up with others.

1. It relieves us of responsibility. It’s a way to blame someone or something else for our discontent. And since they’re to blame, we have no choice but to be unhappy.
2. Everyone’s doing it. We don’t want to seem too content, when everyone else in the group is so busy being unhappy. It might make them feel even worse.
3. We want someone to validate our suffering. We don’t necessarily want them to fix it; we just want them to understand what we’re going through.
4. It’s a cover-up. We want someone to understand a serious issue we’re having without having to admit it. I complain about a co-worker, but my real fear is that I’m going to lose my job. I complain to my husband that he spends too much time at work. All I really want is one night out, but I want him to suggest it.
5. We want someone else to fix it. Instead of asking for help, we complain, hoping someone will offer. I gripe about the dirty dishes because I want someone to offer to wash them.
6. We need to vent. We relieve ourselves by spewing our ill feelings onto someone else, so they can suffer as we’re suffering.

And how do I stop it?

1. Realize it’s not your duty to whine. Even if that’s the pattern you and your friends have established when you get together, you don’t have to continue it.
2. If you need help or advice, ask for it. Instead of complaining, ask, “What do you think I should do about this?” In doing so, you’re accepting responsibility.
3. Know that “this too shall pass.” The sub-zero temperatures outside may go on for days, but you know next August you’ll be wishing for cooler weather. Be thankful for the transient nature of most discomfort.
4. Recognize that others know they’re imperfect. Others are struggling, as you are, with the imperfections and/or baggage they bring to your relationship.
5. Recognize that this world is not perfect. It will never be just the way you want it. Your complaining indicates a frustrated desire for control.
6. Don’t set yourself up to complain. If you habitually approach situations expecting to have something to complain about, you will. If you expect a day of pain, you won’t be disappointed. If you expect people at a party to ignore you, they will.
7. Bite your tongue – or less painful – press your lips together – tight! It gets easier with practice.

Can I stop others from whining?

No. But you can discourage it when you’re around.

1. Don’t respond with your own complaints. Then it becomes a contest.
2. Re-direct the subject. Turn a complaint about housework into a discussion of a new technique you read about that makes housework more efficient.
3. Listen. Let the complainer know you understand by repeating her complaint back to her in different words. Try to hear the issue behind the complaint.
4. Offer to help. If you can help alleviate the problem, good. If not, it will help the complainer realize it’s up to her to either take care of it or accept the situation. I was “explaining” to a friend about all the food I had to prepare for different functions this week. She kindly offered to prepare one of them for me. She wasn’t setting me up; she would have done it. But it shamed me into silence. This was my voluntary commitment, not hers.
5. Empower them. Ask, “Is there something you can do about it?” If the answer is “No,” express your sincere sympathy. If the answer is “Yes,” they’ll anticipate the next question: “Then why don’t you?”

When I speak of complaining here, I’m not talking about informing your doctor of  unexplained chronic pain or returning an underdone steak back to a restaurant kitchen.

I’m speaking of mindless, habitual pointless whining, which brings about no positive good. Like fear, resentment, and guilt, what I call Junk Food Attitudes, it’s an easy habit to adopt, not so easy to shed.

What do you think? Can you think of other reasons why we tend to complain? Occasions we should complain? Ways to differentiate between a legitimate complaint and a whine?

What I like most about good books are the nuggets of philosophy found scattered throughout their pages – nuggets that cause me to think or re-consider my own attitudes.

Though expressed by fictional characters, such nuggets also offer insight into the personal philosophies of the writer. 

The simply named *The Bird in the Tree by Elizabeth Goudge is full of such nuggets, most often thought or said by Lucilla, the Eliot family matriarch.

Following are some of the pearls of wisdom I gathered while reading this first book of Goudge’s Eliot Family Chronicles. The trilogy also includes The Herb of Grace and The Heart of the Family.

On God

We all try to make God in our image. It is one of the worst of our temptations. (pg. 278)

On aging

One would know the first cold breath of old age when one found oneself in a world where there was no one left to whom one was a child. (pg. 117)

On a danger of beauty

Such a [beautiful] woman could not help but be blinded, now and again, by the smoke from the fires that she kindled. (pg. 281)

On receiving praise

The acceptance of homage gives no permanent satisfaction; it is better to give it. What is given to you, you are always afraid will one day cease to be given, but what you give you can give forever. (pg. 66)

On the value of retrospection

You cannot judge anything without its context, and you cannot judge the value of what happens to you until many years afterwards. Then you see how one thing led to another and how it was all, even the little trivial things as well as the big ones, somehow necessary. (pg. 253)

*First published by Gerald Duckworth and Co. Ltd., 1940

Talk to me. Do you have any literary pearls of wisdom to share?

]]> http://aginginwonder.com/2009/12/04/pearls-of-wisdom-from-the-bird-in-the-tree/feed/ 4 http://aginginwonder.com/2009/12/02/you-might-have-slow-metabolism-if/ http://aginginwonder.com/2009/12/02/you-might-have-slow-metabolism-if/#comments Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:00:28 +0000 Cheryl http://aginginwonder.com/?p=696

1. You have the wrong parents. One of the most powerful influences on how efficiently your body burns calories is your genes.
2. You’re an adult. It takes a lot of energy to grow up. Once you’re full grown, you won’t burn as many calories while you sleep or sit as you used to.
3. You’re 5 foot 2. A tall person, with more body surface area, typically has a more efficient basal metabolic rate (BMR) than a shorter person of equal weight. BMR accounts for 50 to 60 percent of the calories expended every day.
4. You’re over 50. As you age, you lose muscle tone. And you know what that means – muscle burns about 8 times more calories than fat.
5. You’re a woman. Men usually have more muscle mass than women. They get the muscle, we get the fat!
6. You’ve lost weight. When you lose weight, your BMR decreases. Your body composition –percentage of body fat to muscle mass – is essentially the same as a bigger person. But their BMR is higher than yours because it takes more calories to carry all that extra weight.
7. You avoid extreme hot and extreme cold temperatures. Who doesn’t? But if you tough if out, your metabolic rate will rise! (Running a fever also increases your BMR.)
8. You’ve gone on a starvation diet. Eating too little will lower your metabolism by as much as 20%.
9. You’ve lost the same pounds over and over again. When you lose weight, you lose muscle; when you gain it back, you gain fat.
10. You don’t exert yourself. You knew that one was coming, didn’t you?

Slow Metabolism Doesn’t Cause Weight Gain. We all know this: we gain weight when we take in more calories than we burn. But we would burn more calories at rest if we had the metabolism of an adolescent male. Even when he’s asleep, he’s burning more calories than a middle-aged woman.

All is not lost, though. Here are 7 ways to increase your metabolism:

1. Fidget. Forget what your mother said about sitting still. Be a little restless.
2. Build your upper body strength. Use hand weights or resistance bands, pushups or stretching exercises.
3. Build your lower body strength. Walk. If you’re already walking, speed it up a little.
4. Eat frequent, small meals. They say this helps because it increases TEE – the Thermic Effect of Eating (10% to 15% of the calories we burn).
5. Drink green tea – or try green tea extracts. Be warned, though. It’s high in caffeine, which may interfere with the next tip.
6. Get enough sleep. Chronic sleep deprivation mimics aging by slowing metabolism.
7. Combine aerobic and muscle-building activities. Aerobic exercise affects ARE (Activity Related Energy), which accounts for 25 to 40% of the calories we burn every day. Muscle-building activities affect our resting metabolic rate.

Sure – you may have slower metabolic rates than you used to. And sure – you’d love to eat like you used to. Maybe the above suggestions will help – not just so you can eat more of what you want , but more important – to give you the energy and stamina to do what you want.

Talk to me: Have you tried strength training? How has it affected your weight and/or eating habits? Any suggestions for getting a good night’s sleep?

Sources:

“Is Your Metabolism to Blame?”by Ahmed H. Kissebah, M.D., Ph.D., professor of medicine and pharmacology and director of the General Clinical Research Center, Medical College of Wisconsin. TOPS News, Volume 61, #8, November 2009.

“Slow Metabolism: Is It to Blame for Weight Gain?” http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/slow-metabolism/AN00618

“Lack of sleep alters hormones, metabolism,” http://chronicle.uchicago.edu/991202/sleep.shtml

Sure – a brisk walk may be more advantageous than a leisurely one for physical health, but sometimes a leisurely walk is better for mental health. You might even learn things – or at least find something to wonder about.

During a recent trip to Nashville [ask about our new grandbaby!], I often took advantage of a nearby walking trail, part of the Smyrna Greenway System.

One sunny Sunday afternoon five of us decided to hit the trail, which lent itself to what I would call a conversation walk.

I love conversation walks. You’re not just sitting and talking; you feel like you’re accomplishing something. You’re going somewhere, even if when you get there you turn around and come back. It takes little physical energy and even less mental energy.

Walking in a group also give us a chance to wonder out loud.

About Horse Apples, for instance…

“What are those big green round bumpy things?”

“I think they’re called horse apples.”

“Why do they call them horse apples? Is it because horses eat them?”

“Are they edible? Why do we see them on the ground all over the place, but rarely in the trees above?”

…Disc Golf…

As we strolled into the more open spaces of the trail, we noticed a strange-looking metal pole about five feet tall. Metal chains hanging from the top gathered above an open iron basket.

Signs along the way indicated this was an area designated for disc golf. Sure enough, we saw some golfers flinging Frisbees not only into the open spaces but through narrow forest corridors.

More questions.

I understood the baskets – they catch the Frisbees. But what are the chains for? If you throw the Frisbee into the chains, do you get more points? How big is the course?

Is it like throwing horseshoes? The closest one to the target wins? Or do you have to keep trying until you get it into the basket, just like “regular” golf?

…and a Red Caterpillar

We also came across a fat hairy reddish caterpillar crawling across the path. I don’t remember seeing a red caterpillar before – is that a color stage they all go through? [Duh. No.] Do certain types of butterflies come from different colors of caterpillars? [Yes, unless they’re moths.] Are they like squirrels – different colors in different parts of the country? [It’s an insect. My eyes start crossing when I get into too much bug research.]

The Cure for Temporary Ignorance

These questions may indicate that up until now, I haven’t been curious enough.

You know what, though? That’s okay!  Because “at my age,” I’m beyond caring that I may sound ignorant. How will you know if you don’t ask – or at least Google it?

So this is my suggestion to you. Sure – walk for exercise. But even if you walk the same route every day, walk also for the discoveries you make along the way. Look up to see if you can find horse apples on the trees or – better yet – to find the source of a bird’s song. Look into the distance to catch a fleeting sunset – or to watch out for flying Frisbees.

Go ahead and look down, too. You may spot a caterpillar, just trying to survive until it morphs into a butterfly – or a moth – and can fly into the sky.

Answers?

No room here for the answers to my questions, except to tell you that horse apples are AKA hedge apples and osage oranges.

For more about disc golf, check out the Professional Disc Golf Association.

And caterpillars? Too many varieties for a simple answer, but I did find some pictures of some very colorful specimens: The Top 10 Most Beautiful Caterpillars.

Talk to me. What discoveries have you made on recent walks? When was the last time you engaged in a significant walk conversation?

“How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?”

“Change?!!!!!!”

Growing older is often associated with an unwillingness to change.

Sadly, it’s often true. You may have heard phrases like “I’m too old to think about that” or “I’m too set in my ways to change now.”

Accepting and Adapting to Inevitable Changes

From the womb to the tomb and beyond, our physical bodies constantly undergo change.

At the beginning of our lives, these changes are welcomed. We learn to talk, to walk, to run; we grow larger and stronger. But as we age, physical change means loss: of hearing, vision, smell, taste, and even touch. (Ohio Dept. of Aging)

Largely, these changes are beyond our control, so we’re forced to adapt. We turn up the sound on our TV’s; we purchase glasses.

Change by Choice

Beyond adapting to these inevitable changes, I maintain there are other changes we can choose to make: changes that can mean the difference between thriving and merely surviving.

Resisting Intellectual Changes: “I don’t want to.”

We can use aging as an excuse not to change our minds about anything, expressed in statements like:

1. I’ve always believed [fill in the blank]. I’m too old now to change. If you challenge me with any new ideas, you’re either a fool or an extremist.
2. Even though I may be bitter about things that have happened in the past, don’t make me examine myself or question my own integrity. (I’m afraid of what I might find.)
3. I can’t learn anything new; why try? You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

We need to make sure we don’t confuse steadfastness with stubbornness. Steadfastness means being true to a belief system we have chosen after careful consideration of the alternatives – not merely giving in to traditional beliefs or peer pressure.

To borrow from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be stubborn if you say – or think, “Don’t confuse me with the facts.”

Resisting Physical Changes: “It’s too hard.”

1. I’m overweight. At my age, there’s nothing I can do about it.
2. I have an age-related disease; there’s nothing I can do about it.

This is the talk of a victim who has given up. But we all know of people – of all ages – who overcome extraordinary physical challenges to achieve extraordinary accomplishments.

Maybe this is where stubbornness – or call it determination – is of value. Maybe that’s what we lose as we age. We accept too much, accept physical states as inevitable that are not, such as weight gain and chronic disease.

I recently met a woman in her 80’s who had lost about 30 pounds in the last couple of years. Was it more difficult for her to lose weight than for those in their 30’s or even 40’s? Of course! Was it worth it? Of course!

Making Hard Choices

It’s hard to admit you have been wrong all these years.

It’s hard to learn new things. It takes longer than it used to, and we don’t retain it all.

It’s hard to exercise, or build muscle, or sacrifice favorite TV programs to get out and move.

Laziness – or convincing ourselves we’re just too tired – may be key here. Sometimes we just don’t want to go to the trouble of changing anything.

But think of the consequences of changes we make by choice. An exciting, fresh outlook. An open mind. New discoveries. Renewed mental and physical energy. Greeting each day with gratitude and enthusiasm for the challenges it will bring.

Talk to me. Have you made some difficult changes in your outlook or lifestyle? What did you have to sacrifice? Was it worth it?