Aging in Wonder

A few weeks ago, while clearing out some books, I discovered an old paperback copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936. Although it’s a little antiquated – it speaks only of business men, for instance – the principles still apply. One in particular seemed to sum up all the principles he had previously introduced: “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”

The other points in the chapter, titled “Six Ways to Make People Like You,” were

Be genuinely interested in other people.

Smile.

Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Talk in terms of the other man’s interest.

Five Ways to Make Others Feel Important

These are also ways you can make others feel important — and make them your friends.

1. “Be” – not just “act” – interested in other people. Want to know them, their interests, their likes and dislikes.
2. Make a personal connection by looking directly at people and smiling at them.
3. Within reason, say their names at every opportunity. (This also helps you remember names.)
4. Listen to their stories without wanting to tell your own, but with the aim of knowing them better.
5. After you’ve done that, you will be able to speak in terms of their interests: Asking about their grandchildren or their favorite football team.

Some people seem to do this naturally. When they talk to you, you feel as if no one else matters; for those moments, you are the most important person in the room. The rest of us, who have a tendency to relate whatever is happening in our own lives, may have to consciously develop this habit.

The rewards

It will help your interpersonal relationships. Genuine interest in another person develops trust.

It engenders friendship. It makes others feel better about themselves when they are around you. It makes them better people for knowing you.

As you interact with people, think about what would make them feel important. I predict you’ll experience an instant change of attitude. You’ll see that “difficult” person who always seems to be begging for attention in a different light. She doesn’t mean to be irritating; she only wants to feel important.

You’ll listen more intensely when others speak, even if it’s on a topic that’s not usually of interest to you.

You’ll be more attentive to members of your family. More than anyone else, they need to know they’re  important to you.

Thanks, Mr. Carnegie. Even after 74 years, your words still ring true.

Talk to me.

Do you know someone who is naturally one of those intense listeners, who seems to hang onto every word you say? Or tell me of your reaction when someone who sees you infrequently somehow always remembers your name.

Your email:

 

Attitudes, Books Dale Carnegie, Friendship, listening, relationships

The World from Rough Stones

by Malcolm Macdonald, published in 1975 by Alfred A. Knopf

Maybe my favorite genre — reminiscent of Masterpiece Theatre series productions. Its 570 pages are written against the backdrop of the construction of a railway tunnel in England from 1839 to 1841. The story begins with Nora, a poverty-stricken but well-bred young woman who lives by her wits and her body. She meets “Lord John,” former “navvy,” (tunnel laborer), now rising by his shrewdness and uncommon people skills to the position of General Contractor.

The book title describes not only the building of the tunnel, but the couple’s synergy, elevating them to financial and social success. Though the book is ends satisfactorily, you sense that John and Nora are not finished making deals. Their family story is continued in three sequels, The Rich Are with You Always, Sons of Fortune and Abigail.

Though technical in its description of 19th century railway construction and finance, the story is carried by its cast of strong characters. It contains a few explicit sexual scenes, so I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.

The Ladies of Missalonghi

by Colleen McCullough, 192 pages, published in 1987 by Harper & Row

A short, entertaining read, with an ending you might not expect. Missy Wright, 33-year-old spinster, is dominated by her mother and maiden aunt and the other members of the clan that controls her Australian village.

The arrival in town of stranger John Smith, who has bought a nearby valley, coincides with a fainting spell that Missy suffers. After he rescues her, she determines she will not spend another minute as “mousy” Missy.

Her sudden boldness secretly pleases her mother, mortifies the clan — particularly rich, beautiful cousin Alicia — and charms Mr. Smith.

(Some reader reviews claim this book copies the plot of The Blue Castle, written by L. M. Montgomery, most famous for her Anne of Green Gables series.)

Outliers: The Story of Success

by Malcolm Gladwell, 309 pages, published in 2008 by Little, Brown and Company

My notes indicate that I heard about this from Diggy at Upgrade Reality, but it was also a book that one of my sons had requested. Diggy cited from the book that it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at anything — 3 hours a day for 10 years.

However, the book covers much more than the 10,000-hour rule. Gladwell proposes that innate talent is important, but the year – and sometimes month — of your birth, circumstances and opportunity, length of school year, Eastern or Western culture of work, have much more influence than mere creative genius.

Despite being driven by extensive research and statistics, the book was easy to read and understand. Gladwell’s other books include The Tipping Point and Blink.

Although it’s not a self-help book, as I supposed it might be, it is an enlightening examination of worldly success.

Books, Work Australia, Book Reviews, England, Gladwell, McCullough, Success

Book reading is a solitary pastime. When I read, my mind leaves my surroundings and enters a world of mystery, travel, romance, exploration or enlightenment – wherever I want to go.

When I want to get away from it all, I take a book with me. Though I’m not one of them, I understand those commuting travelers who avoid conversations with other passengers by immersing themselves in written words so they don’t have to respond to those spoken.

A book requires no response; it’s not demanding, does not consider it rude if you close its pages in the middle of a sentence.

If it’s a good book, though, it can be akin to taking a vacation by yourself. You double your enjoyment when you share it with someone else.

Book Club Envy

I always envied those who had the luxury of participating in a book club. I’d see notices about book club meetings in newspapers or the library, but somehow the time was never right.

Thanks to a good friend, I finally got to be part of one four or five years ago in Mississippi. “The Book Bunch” gathered at the back of a local restaurant once a month and discussed books over breakfast. When we moved to this smaller town, I was thrilled to find a group who met at the local library to share their reading experiences.

Why?

Many avid readers don’t see the point. Why be forced to read a book of someone else’s choice? Why bother with a book club?

Because of…

Gossip! Though we might not admit it, we get to “gossip” about fictional characters without guilt. We can conjecture about motives. We can decide whether or not they would be our friend, or as my friend Keetha phrases it, “the character I’d most like to have a drink with.” We can be openly critical and even self righteous.

After all, these are fictional characters. Mansfield Park’s Fanny Price won’t be hurt if I express my frustration with her reticence; Atticus Finch will not feel threatened if I declare my admiration for him; the Eliots of Damerosehay won’t even notice that I’m stalking them in sequels.

Revelations. More satisfying than the gossip, though, is our sharing of ideas and personal philosophies. We leave our own worlds behind and briefly travel together into a world of thought and imagination. The meeting is a safe place where, in the process of summarizing the plot, judging the author’s writing style, sharing our discoveries or disagreeing about whether or not it was worth reading, we also reveal our own quirks and foibles, political and religious views.

Getting Out of a Rut. If I chose every book our club reads, three out of four would be novels written by English women, with a story based somewhere in the British Isles or some other foreign land. The book club has introduced me to books and characters I’m certain I would never have met by myself. (This doesn’t mean I would recommend them all.)

Friendship. Reading the same book provides a gathering place for our minds. When we discuss a book  – though we may have nothing else in common — we share an unspoken mutual appreciation, a special bond non-readers do not share.

It’s not always about the book, by the way. Sometimes one or more of us don’t even finish the book before the meeting, but we still show up. Don’t want to miss the gossip, even if it’s someone we don’t know!

Talk to me. Have you ever been a part of a book club? What was your experience? What would be your advice to someone wanting to start one?

Books Book Clubs, Books, Friendship, Gossip, Reading

By Alexander McCall Smith. Fiction. c. 2005. Published by Anchor Books.

McCall Smith uses an unusual technique in this book – it was originally serialized fiction for a newspaper, so each chapter has to introduce a scene and finish it.

It was not nearly as enjoyable as the book series – The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency – that led me to pick up this work by the same author. He paints his characters just as well — they just weren’t as charming. He also paints a striking portrait of Edinburgh, Scotland, its landscape and levels of society.

What it lacked was follow-up, which can probably be attributed to the format. Characters entered the scenes and left, never to be seen again. He nicely wraps up the stories of Pat, her vain flat-mate Bruce and her clueless employer Matthew and their odd triangle, but I was not satisfied at the end with poor little Bernie’s conflict with his overbearing mother.

My rating? 6 out of 10. It was a good light read, and even compelling in some places, but I didn’t identify well with any of the characters. It’s possible, however, that 6 other people out of 10 would recognize either themselves or someone they know.

Books Add new tag, Books, Edinburgh, McCall Smith

by Jeannette Walls. copyright 2005. Published by Scribner.

This is an amazing memoir, written with a lot of conversation and short chapter segments, which makes it very easy to read.

Jeannette and two of her siblings not only survive but thrive under their extremely neglectful parents – both eccentric, fanciful, highly intelligent and irresponsible.

The mother is self-centered, the father an alcoholic. The conditions they force upon their children are unbelievably harsh; they seem to have no conscience about the environment they provide for their children.

Though the mother inherits great wealth, she will have none of it. She prefers the adventures that poverty brings. The father occasionally has a tinge of conscience but is a slave to his drink.

What they do bestow on their children – especially on Jeannette – is a love of learning, intelligence, and a story no one else could tell.

My rating? 9 out of 10, which means I would recommend it to 9 out of 10 people. The 10th person might not appreciate nor see the value of the graphic details of children neglected. Writing style? Something to be imitated. You can tell Ms. Wall is a pro.

Books, Family Add new tag, Books, Dysfunction, Family, Jeannette Walls, Memoir

Author: Elizabeth Goudge (1900-1984)

About the Books

This is a trilogy set in England spanning from after WWI to after WWII. The titles of the books, in order, are

The Bird in the Tree, published in 1940
The Herb of Grace (entitled Pilgrim’s Inn by American publishers), written in 1948
The Heart of the Family, written in 1953.

About the Author

A quick look at Wikipedia also reveals this about Elizabeth Goudge’s writings: Her favorite among her books was The Little White Horse (1946), which is also a favorite of J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter stories. Read more…

Books, Family Books, Elizabeth Goudge, England, Literature, Wisdom

What I like most about good books are the nuggets of philosophy found scattered throughout their pages – nuggets that cause me to think or re-consider my own attitudes.

Though expressed by fictional characters, such nuggets also offer insight into the personal philosophies of the writer. 

The simply named *The Bird in the Tree by Elizabeth Goudge is full of such nuggets, most often thought or said by Lucilla, the Eliot family matriarch.

Following are some of the pearls of wisdom I gathered while reading this first book of Goudge’s Eliot Family Chronicles. The trilogy also includes The Herb of Grace and The Heart of the Family. Read more…

Books, Wisdom Aging, Beauty, Eliot, Elizabeth Goudge, Generosity